Unpacking my fear of writing a blog
Written on 28 June 2018
I am stretched out on the sofa with the laptop on my lap, it is 4:56am and I am attempting to write my first blog post. As a physiotherapist I know this is the worst possible way to sit and type. My neck will have to forgive me while my brain attempts this scary task. Where did this writing block come from? Why has is it such a big limiting belief? Why am I so judgemental about my writing? Sitting here this morning, it has dawned on me this block, is my own doing. I have been holding myself back. I have been telling myself for years that I am not good enough at English to write and this is not even based on any facts as I have never produced a piece of writing for a blog before! Do you guys do this too?
Reflecting about it now, my judgements about my writing abilities stemmed from a conversation I had with a teacher in primary school about needing to do more work to improve my spelling. I had difficulties with spelling back then, I still do. Not in a dyslexia kind of way, I think I just need to take more care and slow down a bit. In High School, English was not my strongest subject; I would hope for a C+ at best. The story I told myself about my writing abilities became more and more limiting as the years passed. I decided I wasn’t a "languages" persons and so haven’t taken the kind of care, awareness and practice that is required to be good at something.
It is funny the stories we tell ourselves and how they manifest in later life. My mum still to this day, sends me messages about my spelling or grammar on my Facebook or Instagram posts telling me to correct things. Just the other day I had read through a post 3 times to look for errors. I thought I had it all perfect and spelling mistake free. But alas not, I got a text from mum saying “fix”, with the fix ready for me to transpose (she always includes the fix). I love her for doing this for me. And this also reinforces my silly thought that I am not good at writing. On paper it sounds ridiculous that I have turned spelling mistakes into I AM NOT GOOD AT WRITING. Insane.
Thinking (and remember thinking is not a fact) that you are not good enough or being judgmental about yourself, comparing yourself to others, allowing what others think or what you think they are thinking about you is detrimental for growth. It is a recipe for a small safe life.
Why did I let this fear dictate my actions for so long? The thought of “what will other people think?” is this really the way we should be living our lives? Should we really be making calls on what WE do, based on our perception of what others will think of us? Hell no! As I write this now it seems very silly to me that I have been thinking this way. I have let this stop me from writing down thoughts and starting a blog. I would never have left the house and given boxing ago 15 years ago if I based all my decisions on the perceptions of others. I would never have become Boxer Lex. Our history shapes us. I had a long history with spelling issues so told myself I wasn’t good at writing whereas I had no history with the sport of boxing and I just gave it ago.
I think it is vital for each one of us to take some time to deconstruct why we think the way we think about something. Ask yourself why you think that way, ask yourself what shaped your thinking. So that you will have a deeper understanding which may help you overcome a perceived block.
My advice to myself (and to you) is “embrace courage and act fearlessly” in all aspects of life.